Topical Comedy

Introducing Prep on Demand, a great new service from Steve Boyle writing. If your fed up with paying a monthly subscription fee then this is for you. Once you have registered for the service you will be able to log into the members area, where you can access all the latest material. Simply select the material you want at 40p per item. At the end of the week I'll bill you through paypal where you can settle by credit card, or if you wish you can pay by cheque. Visit www.gagwriter.co.uk to sign up.

Below are some archive examples which you are free to use.

Add- Check out Scribe Weekly a new online paper with reviews of entertainment and sport. Features on travel, food and drink and the weather.

Ann Summers is urging the government to overturn a ban on it advertising for staff in jobcentres. The company says it plans to advertise 1200 new jobs this year.

You can just imagine how they would describe the company in the advert. "Party plan organisation dealing in lingerie and personal entertainment systems"

Warning cheese alert: Little Mo's family are having a whip round to buy her some chocolates to cheer her up after she was sent down.

Kat said she'll need some chocs after eight.

That guy who streaked in front of the queen on Tyneside has been up in court. He was given a 12 month conditional discharge and the judge confiscated his specially adapted quick release Velcro trousers.

I ask you only In Britain. The guy gets done for streaking so what do they do? Take his trousers off him. Mind you I suppose he should be glad he wasent up for urinating in public.

Another massive Iceberg has broken away in Antarctica. The new berg is 34 miles long by 7 miles wide. It was spotted on a satellite image by the US defence Met programme. This follows a berg the size of Luxembourg breaking away last week and an even bigger one in March.

In March when it was brought to the presidents attention the conversation went like this.

Bush- so what.

Aide - Well if they drift in to warmer water the bergs could melt causing a rise in sea level.

Bush- Why do you guys bring me this shit , I mean what do we care if the sea level rises in Antarctica. 

This time around Bush was ready for them.

Aide- There's been another massive iceberg break a way in Antarctica.

Bush- Right and if it gets in to warmer water it'll melt causing a rise in sea levels which affect the whole world and not just Antarctica .

Aide That's right sir.

Bush Okay here's what were going to do. Bomb the shit out of it. To break it up before it gets to warmer water. Now son do you see why I'm the President.

 According a new survey the average British male has sex twice a week and each session lasts for three minutes and one second.

Handy information that. I can hear it now across the kitchens of the land "Darling  I need you in the kitchen. The egg timers broke again".

A drug which works like Viagra for women could soon be on the market. Early trials of PT141 have been encouraging. The nasal spray stimulates the central nervous system. tests on rats saw the females seek out the males boosting the sex drive of both groups. If the human trials are successful it could be on the market within three years.

My mates Partner is on the trial. It's going very well apparently. Mind you they did have a bit of a problem with it last week. They were in a night club when she got it mixed up with her Vicks nasal spray. My mate was well embarrassed especially when the manager offered them a repeat gig for next Tuesday.

More problems in Afghanistan then. Apparently the troops have been getting a bit hot under the collar with the antics of GMTV reporter Lara Logan. Apparently she's been flashing her cleavage and generally using her feminine charms to get the story.

An MOD spokesman said yes some of the men have been getting a bit hot under the collar so we've had to take urgent action to take their minds off it. That's why were sending Rik Waller.

The South Koreans have announced that there pretty sure that they have eradicated their foot and Mouth disease out break.

Don't know what their so happy about if the wrong type of England fan gets through there going to have an outbreak of Foot and kidney daises.

TV viewers are to get a rare glimpse of the Queen's private audience with the Prime Minister. Cameras were allowed in to film a meeting in a first floor audience room. This hasn't been allowed up to now because constitutionally no-one is supposed to talk about or witness the meetings between the Queen and the Prime Minister of the day.

A No10 spokesman said that strictly speaking the rule wasn't being broken as at no time is Alistair Campbell actually  pictured with the Queen.

Phones: A great story the other day; That chap who was stranded on an ice floe but managed to clear a runway with his sled, and then sent an email picture via his mobile so the pilot could check out the weather conditions and eventually pick him up.

What scrapes has your mobile got you out of ? Have you ever been almost caught in an embarking situation but saved by a call from a mate? or perhaps you to have been trapped and your mobile save your life. Whatever your story give us a call.

Rick Waller is says he was stunned when Pop Idol Simon Cowell Branded his first video a Horror Movie.

His agent is reported to have said that Rick was stung by the comment. He added  "Simons comments are like his chest both are way bellow the belt"

In the wake of the recent press reports about Angus Deayton's private life the BBC has announced that "Have I Got News For You" is to be renamed  " Why Have I Got News For You"

The answer to that being of course that Big Brother is on Channel Four.

Bill & Ben are set to aiming to be Top of the pops. The pair have released a new single Floberdance.

They may have to do without the services of Weed after Angus Deayton smoked it.

Doctors say men run the risk of injuring themselves when they try to take off a woman's bra.

Serves them right if you ask me they shouldn't have been wearing it in the first place..

Did you read about that animal sanctuary worker who took a parrot home for the night. Next day it gave a blow by blow account of her passionate love talk. She said as soon as I heard what he was saying I rushed over to quieten him down. I knew exactly where he had picked up the rude stuff.

Clearly she didn't think it was good to squawk.

A Thai radio DJ is threading to sue the country's Prime Minister because his weekly speeches take up to much of her programme. The Saturday morning rants are running to 30 minutes or more. She claims that sponsors may withdraw from the programme.

She said " I wouldn't mind so much but he only came in originally to read the weather and travel."

NHS staff are set to revel all in a new documentary. Medical staff talk about bonking in ambulances and the things they get up to when taking revenge on patients .One nurse recalls an incident when they were having problems with a young guy who was in for a routine knee operation. Apparently he kept pinching the nurses bottoms. In revenge they told him he had to have a catheter fitted. She said "We didn't use a local aesthetic , he was in agony bless him. Then we tied the catheter to the bed so he couldn't move"

Punishment. There's plenty around Westminster who'd pay good money for that. Could solve the NHS cash flow problems at a stroke.

A Russian orchestra on a tour of the uk has run into problems after staff at the hotel they were staying at found fleas in their room. This resulted in their bus being pulled over when they were on their way to a gig. They were taken to a sports centre and were disinfected making them nearly an hour late for their concert.

Apparently  they were really good,  the audience were really jumping.

The big four banks are in trouble again over claims that they are making excessive profits. This comes after the competition commission reported that they were overcharging small and medium-sized firms. The chief executive of Barclays is reported to have said that he rejected the allegations and that he didn't know what excess profit ment.

Here's a clue mate get out your balance sheet now look down to the bit where it says profit before Tax. That figure there the one with all the zeros that's excess profit. Now if you divide it by ten then you have normal profit.

Why is it banks can charge you £20 to bounce a £10 cheque. If you couldn't afford to be £10.00 over your limit, how is it all of a sudden that you can afford to be £20.00 over how exactly does that work?

There's trouble at the French side of the chunnell again. More asylum seekers have managed to get through to Britain. Apparently the problem has arisen because a special police team that guard the freight terminal were redeployed.

Mind you theirs a simple solution get the police to go on strike cause when the French strike nothing gets across the channel.

A survey claims that 60% of office workers have had a fling with a colleague. 16% claim to have used the bosses office, chairs conference rooms and the office car park all proved popular spots. A sociologist who conducted the survey for Elle magazine says an office romance is like playing with matches. There's the chance of danger but for many the rewards are worth it.

A mate of mine had an affair with one of his bosses. Mind you it was pretty infrequent. She didn't take much to do with the day to day running of the business. She was a sleeping partner you see.

Nigerian church officials are planning to inspect the dresses of brides and Bridesmaids. To stop them walking down the aisle half naked. Anglican church leader say they are disgusted with some of the skimpy dresses that have been worn recently. In future if the dress doesn't pass inspection there will be no wedding.

A spokesman said I know Brides are supposed to have something old, something new, something borrowed, but I think their taking the something blue a bit to far.
 

The BBC is in trouble over a joke about South Koreans eating dog meat on a world cup website. The joke read "over here a dog is for Christmas over there it could be for dinner" The joke has been removed the BBC said it was a simple misunderstanding and they hadn't set out to cause offence.

In other words they made a bit of a dogs dinner out of it.

They now want to draw a line under the affair and As the Koreans would say let sleeping dogs fry.

What does Trisha say before getting in to bed ?

Eeny meeny miny mo
 

David Beckham has negotiated a set of Man U goalposts as part of his new contract with the club. the posts which were used in Euro 96 will now take pride of place in his garden.

A spokesman for the club said "we're happy to let him have the posts but added, unfortunately we couldn't let him have the nets as the deal was agreed with no strings attached".

If Barrichello thinks he's got problems he should think about Michael Shumaker's wife. She wasent very happy when she saw the pre nuptial agreement.

Schumacher agent said " I don't know what she's complaining about. She must have known that Michael always has a  clause in his contract stating  he must come first"

Did you see that story the other day? that their micro chipping humans in America. It's now possible to have a chip inserted under your skin that carries your medical records. A guy had it done live on TV the other day.

If truth be told he's a bit unbalanced because he's only got a chip on one shoulder.

A Chilean family has bought a lion for their children as a pet . It sleeps in the house, sometimes in the children's bedroom. The father bought it for one of the children who was obsessed with the film the Lion king. Officials are concerned but there is nothing they can do about it as it is not illegal under Chilean law.

Just imagine when it's older your hardly going to argue with it if it wants to lie on the sette. And the phrase "look what the cat dragged in" doesn't even bear thinking about.

An Argentinean racing driver who won the TC 2000 surprised spectators by stripping naked on the podium during the presentation ceremony. He said that he wanted to protest that the politicians were "leaving them naked".

A commentator said this guys hot he's on a real winning streak at the moment. 

A local election candidate who appeared naked alongside Keith Chegwin on the Channel 5 programme the naked jungle. Is claiming that her campaign was sabotaged by a leaflet with a picture of her naked from the show. The leaflet was posted anonymously to homes.

All that pressing the flesh and nothing to show for it I guess some one must have been bearing a grudge.

Motorists in Pershore and Evesham in Worcs are having a field day since the traffic wardens been off sick for five weeks and hasn't been replaced. A council official said that motorists were taking advantage of the situation, and that the town was in chaos.

One motorist said I don't know how long he's signed off for but as far as I'm concerned he can write his own ticket.

So Stephen Byers is still in the thick of it. Westminster insiders have started calling him Pinocchio and the Department of transport is now known as Jackanorrie Towers in government circles.

A spokesman for number 10 said that Stephen Byers continued to enjoy the Prime Ministers full support. He added all this talk of Pinocchio is rubbish. as you know Pinocchio's nose gets bigger when he lies, ------ and of course  Stephens doesn't.

The mystery of the jinx at the Millennium stadium has finally been solved. The last 11 teams who have used the South dressing room have all lost. Experts in feng shui have suggested new layouts and a World renowned painter was called in to paint a calming mural.

But its a humble builder who has finally cracked the problem. He's fitted an exit door to let them on to the pitch.

A Japanese company has launched a football themed Bra to celebrate the world cup. The Cups on the bra are covered in netting and football patterned padding. It comes with a matching pair of shorts with a picture of a keeper catching a ball.

It's being called the hat trick but a woman who tried it said it aught to be called the loyal fan, cause even if your team are heading south it still gives great support.

Caution- So if you get passed the keeper you've defiantly scored.

A Scots Tory MSP is calling for a pardon for Scots hero William Wallace who was portrayed by Mel Gibson in the film Braveheart. The SNP on the other hand say there is no need for a pardon as Wallace was a prisoner of war and not a traitor

A government spokesman said they would consider a pardon, but added that one for Mel Gibson's accent was out of the question.

Police want petrol stations to install shredding machines so customers can dispose of credit card receipts securely. Thieves often rake through bins for them as they can contain information which enables them to clone your card.

A spokesman for the petrol retailers association said that we did trial the shredders idea but in London you couldn't get near the dam things for Enron and  Arthur Andersen staff.

So the Queen got to see a little more of one of her subjects than she wanted to in Newcastle. Security chiefs were concerned that the man had managed to get so close to the Royal party.

A place official said the Queen wouldn't have been overly worried about the incident as she very experienced when it came to inspecting Privates. Prince Philip was surprised though he thought they still wore woad in the North.

Staff at a Royal Mail sorting office in Somerset have been told to stop breaking wind at work. All fifteen workers received a warning note on personal hygiene which said that breaking wind was a disgusting habit.

Apparently there had been a lot of  special deliveries recently.

The Stones have announced a new 32 date world tour, taking in the USA, Canada , Europe , Australia and the far East.

Apparently their close to signing up a deal with a major package tour operator to get their fans to the concerts. A spokesman for Saga said it would be nice but he didn't think they could handle numbers.

Ulrika Johnsson is in the frame to present Popstars 2. It will borrow ideas from Popidol. Viewers will vote for their favourite 36 in live finals, with the last eight split in to a boy and a girl band.

As well as a record contract The wining boys get to perform live with Ulrika. But the losers don't miss out completely they get to sing with her on stage.

What about that guy who got jailed for diving for golf balls in a lake at the Whetstone club in Leicester. He's out on bail now. But there's still a lot of confusion over how it all came about. Apparently it was the police who caught him and pressed charges and was nothing to do with the club.

Mind you the members did get a bit pissed off  when he tried to get in to the club house with his flippers on.

The Singaporean Government is handing out leaflets to young single people. The idea is to provide young shy people with courtship tips, and to encourage their social development skills with the opposite sex. It's called Boy meets Girl the chemistry guide. Over 20,000 copies of the Eight page booklet have been distributed.

Of course we've been running a similar programme for a ages. It's called the Club 18-30 brochure.

The Duke of Edinburgh's put his foot in it again with that quip about the eating dogs for the anorexic.

Well Phil I've got some good news for you they're now got  thinking dogs for the prats. Every time you come out with a gaffe it bites your lip.

A Saudi Arabian man has literally been subjected to the tooth for a tooth law. He threw a rock at another man knocking out two of his teeth. he was sentenced to a year in prison, and had two of his teeth extracted by a state dentist in public.

Don't know what he was complain about in this country he'd have had to have gone private.

According to a new survey Northern Girls are twice as likely to have sex with a stranger than girls from the South.

A new chat up line then. You don't know me but ....

Two out of three Scots don't think that Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell is doing a good job.

The other third said Who?

Sophie Dahl has written a fairy tale for adults. The supermodel who is the granddaughter of Roald Dahl has called her book "The Man with the Dancing eye"

She Presumably got the title from the state Mick Jagger was in after his encounter with her in the back of his car.

A new phone service has been set up in America for people to timid to refuse to give out their number when asked for it by a member of the opposite sex. They can now give out a number which, when dialled, gives out the message "unfortunately the person who gave you this number does not want to talk to you or speak to you again. We'd like to take this opportunity to officially reject you.

It's already had it's first British customer Ann Winterton.

Scottish Police officers have voted in favour of strike action in the future.

If they have a picket line do we get the miners to beat them up with baseball bats.

When protesting do they have a lock in.

What about that student who recons he got RSI through drinking. Apparently the strain of lifting pints is to much for his wrist and he has been ordered to wear a wrist support. The physiotherapist  said I cant say I'm surprised when one part of the body is exercised repeatedly to do one task, twinges and pain are very common

Typical student cant hold his drink!

He said my right wrist had been hurting for about 10 months and I had no idea why.

I think most young males suffer from the same problem but it sure as hell aint lifting pints that causes it.

An Austrian cleaner who got fed up with his job set himself up as a dentist after buying a second hand set of dental equipment. The 28-year-old believed his experience as a cleaner in a dentist's surgery would be enough to tell him what to do. He had signed up hundreds of customers and "treated" at least 61 at his practice near Vienna before police caught up with him. The man bought the equipment cheap through a newspaper advert and then started looking for customers for his surgery in the town of Tulln.

Clients only became suspicious when he started cleaning their teeth with Mr Sheen.
 

Two women in Florida flashed their breasts at their victim before stealing his wallet. Allen Smith says he'd just got up when the women knocked on the door of his St Petersburg home. They asked to use his phone to call a taxi before lifting their tops to prove they weren't armed. He says they were size 36C. The pair then went into the 52-year-old's living room but he told them to leave after they flashed at him again. He only realised later they'd taken his wallet containing his driving licence, cash, bank and credit cards.

So that's what an asset stripper is!

A state lawyer has admitted Microsoft would be hard-pushed to produce a pared-down version of Windows. The admission came in a videotaped interview shown in ongoing hearings to assess Microsoft's settlement with the US Justice Department. The states still suing Microsoft want the court to force it to produce a modular version of Windows.They say that would increase competition by allowing computer makers to add features by other software companies.But the official says Microsoft would still have to test every possible configuration to ensure it worked properly.

What and change the habit of a lifetime!

Prince Charles has said that a return to the ways of primitive societies by introducing initiation ceremonies for adolescents would help them grow up.

So just remember that, you new first years as your getting your head stuffed down the toilet, it's by Royal Command.

 Phones- A web site www.scribeweekly.com  is carrying a report on celebrity Boxing a programme recently aired on US TV. In the show minor celebs are matched against each other and are given three rounds to slug it out.

Who do you think we should have in the British version if it ever makes it over her.  Uilrika and Nancy are obvious candidates. But who would you put in the ring.

Catherine Zeta Jones has sold a dress at a charity dinner while she was still wearing it. She auctioned off the dress at the dinner in Cardiff for the Noah's Ark Appeal to build a children's hospital in Wales. Zeta Jones walked on stage in the backless cream ballgown and asked guests to bid for the dress. According to the www.dailyrecord.co.uk, she told the crowd: "I'm sorry my dress is not a designer label but I did design it myself. You could say it's an original Catherine Zeta-Jones. Now who wants it?" She said

Initial bidding reached astronomical figures but fell back to a still respectable £8,000 as punters realised it was the dress she was talking about.

A new survey has found that a majority of people think the Government performed  badly over the last Five years on every major issue except the economy.

And that's just the Cabinet goodness knows what the country at large think.

Did you read about that couple who are using an eight wheel cement truck as a family run-around. Parking is a bit of a problem but they don't have problems with other drivers cutting them up.

Well you wouldn't want to mix it with them would you. So why do they do it?  He loves trucks and she loves the attention they get . All in all I guess you could say they've a pretty concrete relationship.

Kylie is worried about loosing her voice. She has been told not to sing during rehearsals to spare her voice.

She needn't worry. Obviously her voice is an important part of her performance, but for most fans it's not the bottom line. 

Microsoft are apparently interested in buying ITV digital.

This shouldn't come as any great surprise after all there experts at making large sums of money from crap programmes.

Did you see that story about Prince Philip being an avid UFO enthusiast?

Lets hope he never does encounter an alien given his previous track record he'd probably come out with still firing death rays at each other? And that would be us gone.

Researchers in the us are working on rubber mobile phones that can transmit Vibrations. The idea is for people to transmit emotion by squeezing their handset. this is reflected in the receiving phone. The technology is being developed at the MIT Media Lab in Massachusetts.

Phone sex goes Virtual reality then.

Did you see that the plane spotters had to stump up £1000 about seventy quid each before they could go on trial.

Perhaps someone should explain to the judge that they were only looking at their planes, they didn't  actually want to buy one.

David Blunket is urging businesses to employ more convicts.

Nice to see that Jeffrey hasn't been forgotten.

Sven- Goran Eriksson says he's totally focused on preparations for the Swedish Match.

Obviously meeting herself after work then. Mind you if it all falls through he's always got the Italian job to fall back on.

Caution-  Sven- Goran Eriksson says he's looking forward to the World cup group of death.

After all he loves stuffing the Sweedes.

Phones- A new website has opened where you can dress Kylie. How pointless is that?

What's the biggest waste of cyberspace  you've come across?

A game show where you can win a job is going down great guns in Argentina.

ITV are thinking of doing something similar but in reverse . The losers have to get a job- Its called "Bone Idol"

Phones- Before they left and in preparation for the arrival of George W Bush's staff. Clintons staff removed all the W keys from every computer in the White House

Have you ever taken a little bit of revenge on leaving a job?

The Scottish Sunday Mail have produced a list of the hundred greatest Scots. William Wallace was Number One, the great inventors like Baird, Bell and Fleming did well as did the likes of Connery and Connelly. One surprise was PM Tony Blair who only managed 95th place. Even Dolly the Sheep managed 76th. Mind you they have a lot in common both were born and brought up in Edinburgh both, attracted international recognition 

But there the similarity ends, because Dolly doesn't need  Alistair Campbell to be successful in her field.

Prince William has expressed an interest in joining a Tank Regiment when he finishes university.

His brother may be interested as well. After all there's nothing he enjoys more than getting tanked up.

What about that column of Argentinean ants that are marching through Europe it's supposed to be over 2000 miles long or something like that. Apparently it's heading this way up through France.

But never fear the French have the situation in hand, they've started work on a special ant farm for them. Apparently there an ideal site which meets all the requirements it's called the Chunnel entrance.

Damien Hirst has been commissioned to paint, literally, a Formula One Jaguar car. The controversial artist has been given a paint-free Grand Prix vehicle to cover with his own design for an exhibition. Jaguar hope the car will be finished by early summer , and are hopeful that the artist will be able to produce a work that conveys an image of power and speed.

So he's going to paint it Ferrari Red.
 

Tom Cruise says he'd like to be the first actor in Space.

Nicole Kidman says she'll light the rocket.

Shoppers were  entertained by a game of strip chess in a London shop window last week. The main window of Selfridges in Oxford Street was host to a couple playing a series of provocative chess matches until Sunday. In a stunt to publicise a new TV commercial for Gordon's Gin, which features strip chess, the players have to remove an article of clothing each time they lose a chess piece.

It's attracted  some big crowds apparently the move Bishop takes Queen was a real show stopper.

Reports say Russian airforce staff are upset their blue uniforms are being replaced with khaki ones.
The Defence Ministry has ordered the change as part of a merger between the air force and air defence services. The khaki uniforms are also cheaper to make and less easily soiled.

Not when you have to fly in a Russian jet there not.

A recording industry group says its research shows internet and piracy is hitting music sales. A spokesman said it showed: "The commercial value of music is being widely devalued by mass copying and piracy, these people manipulate the public in to buying poor quality material its nothing short of daylight robbery he added.

Yes of course its only the music industry that's allowed to do that.

 The Royal of chemistry is looking in to the science of the Bond Martini. The Society commissioned Quest International, a fragrance and flavour company with expertise in the chemical and physical make up of drinks, to research the Bond martini. Dr Francis Scanlan, from Quest is reported in the Daily Mail as saying "We are drinking lots of martinis for sensory evaluation in our beverage laboratory.

So there you have it next time you are asked , you've been carrying out some sensory evaluation in the beverage laboratory. Not down the pub getting pissed.

Actual milestone activity from a Safeway training manual " Spirits and Liquors can be drunk in many different ways investigate some of these".

Hear' Say were chosen to open a new ride at a theme park. Maelstrom is one of the newest attractions at Drayton Manor Family Theme Park near Tamworth. A spokesman said it's really " stomach-churning ."

Yes I know mate but a lot of people voted for them.

A JOB centre is advertising for a £12,000-a-year prostitute after a change in Dutch law. The ad asks for the equivalent of an O-level and discretion — but no experience, as training will be given at a brothel.

On the job training so to speak.

Mo Mowlam has reportedly called the relationship between the prime minister and Chancellor Gordon Brown "destructive", claiming there has been visible tension between them. "The only way forward is for the prime minister to move him to another job," she reportedly says.

As it happens Gordon is quite keen on a new job the only problem for Tony is it's his.

Bepe says he feels like he's been treated like a dog by bosses at Eastenders.

Well he should know he's been out with enough.

Catharine Zetta Jones has employed a welsh nanny to ensure her son Dylan is brought up in the Welsh culture.  Potty training will soon be on the agenda and with this in mind the nanny has brought a special Welsh potty with her.

It's got a picture of Anne Robinson in it.

A housewife frustrated with her unreliable washing machine allegedly forced an engineer to fix it at gun point. The 44-year-old from Pampa in Argentina called the repair man to her home. She told him she'd had nothing but problems since she bought it and she forced him to sign a statement promising it would never break down again. Poor bloke his head was on the spin cycle, and his pants were on heavily soiled.

Leeds United footballer Jonathan Woodgate was not to blame for a fracas in which he suffered a broken jaw, his club said in a statement that the fracture was received during "horseplay" with a friend on Tuesday night. The statement continued Jonathan is often involved in horseplay and the club is well aware of the part of the horse he plays.

News just in the labour party is to drop the singing of the Red Flag at party conference. A spokesman said "It's time we had something that truly reflects the position of the labour party at the start of the new millennium . That's why were going for Hail to the chief"

Football fans have united in their condemnation of ITV Digital's refusal to honour their multi-million television contract by launching a campaign to save their financially threatened clubs. A spokesman for the FSA  said: "This is a vital issue for the future of our game "Fans are standing shoulder to shoulder with their clubs and the Football League on this and we have to put pressure on these two corporate bullies." So surely fans will be flocking to sign up for ITV digital, he was asked. Why would we want to do that he said all they ever show is matches that no one except the clubs own fans want to see.

Rio de Janeiro is threatening to sue the makers of The Simpson's over an episode it says paints the city in a bad light. Blame it on Lisa was broadcast in America last week. It shows Lisa befriending a Brazilian street boy called Ronaldo, Bart being swallowed by a giant snake near the Sugar Loaf Mountain, and rats stopping people crossing the road. Homer is kidnapped by a cab driver and when Marge goes to report the incident she is sexually harassed by a policeman. The city's tourism director, told Estado de SP newspaper that $6 billion had been spent in the last four years trying to change people's image of Brazil. He said: "This cartoon is aggressively bringing back something that was already forgotten. He added that last year alone 220,000 Americans visited Rio. He neglected however to mention how many made it home again.

The government is to trial online voting in the May local elections. Don't be surprised though if your computer gives you some warnings depending on how you vote. A vote for Labour may generate the following response. " Warning this action will not make any difference to the operation of your country. Do you wish to proceed" A vote for the Conservatives will result in " This action may cause your country to crash. Do you wish to proceed" On the other hand a vote for the Lib Dems will produce " This action will cause your country to run like Microsoft Windows. Are you pissed or what?  

Up to half of 15 year olds admit to regular binge drinking sessions according to a new report. The other half  apparently have learned to pace themselves.

An internet site revelling in company anthems is fast becoming one of the most popular on the internet. Although motivational songs have long been derided as nonsense thought up by over-paid management consultants, they are now being celebrated. Word-of-mouth has created a new cult on the internet with the amount of downloads of corporate anthems increasing by the hour. See http://www.zdnet.co.uk/specials/2002/it-anthems/

An Algerian double amputee has escaped in a wheelchair after being brought to Britain for treatment. He was to have two false legs fitted and then fly home. But he escaped as he was waiting in a wheelchair at Glasgow Airport. He distracted an interpreter who was with him, wheeled himself to a taxi rank and was driven away. Police were called but the Scottish Refugee Council has confirmed the man has now lodged an appeal for asylum and is housed in emergency accommodation. Officials from imigration say he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Researchers in the US say they've come up with a drinking glass that raises the alarm when a refill is needed. I've got one already its called a brain.

On this day in 1935 [ 2nd April] Sir Watson-Watt patented RADAR. They had been trying to develop a signal that would wreck havoc and cause wide scale disruption.

Sadly it took almost another seventy years to perfect ITV digital.

Some passengers are complaining because a space redesign on some British Airways 747's means the toilet now has a window. What's to worry about when your travelling at 40,000 ft only Superman could see you and he wouldn't need the window anyway. The fact that your sitting with your pants around your ankles at 40,000 ft in an aluminium tube moving through the sky at 550 MPH is what you should really be worrying about believe me.

Teachers at their conference have been giving both the education secretary and the opposition spokesman a hard time. Slow handclapping , heckling , not giving the speaker a fair hearing and walkouts have been the order of the day. One of their biggest concerns is the standard of discipline in the classrooms one teaching official said "it's getting worse by the week . Of course" he added "it's the parents to blame some of them just refuse to listen are abusive and often get up and walk out of parent teacher meetings. I mean what kind of example is that to set"?.

England officials have been trying to convince Japanese communities that English fans won't cause trouble at the world cup. One official said he'd like to eliminate any misunderstanding so that we can make a grass roots exchange with the Japanese fans. Sadly he's somewhat misinformed the hooligan element don't make grass roots exchanges.

Glass Roots is more the order of the day. 

On this day in 1891 [1/4/02] the London Paris telephone connection opened. Amazingly for a UK France link, French lorries drivers didn't try to blockade it but that was only because lorries hadn't been invented yet.

A new virus ICU  is sweeping the net. The virus enables others to remotely view and listen to conversations in  the room where the computer is installed. ICU sets up a sub routine on your system which enables it to relay signals from a hidden micro camera in your monitor tube. All monitor tubes in the world have these installed on behalf of the CIA and other national security agencies. The system has been installed on all monitors sold since 1995. Sound is added to the pictures by using the PC speaker as a microphone. The system codenamed WWM [watch with mother]  has proved a useful weapon in combating international crime and terrorism. Unfortunately the existence of WWM  is now  in  the public domain since a disgruntled ex MI6 agent published the details on the internet. Hackers have been quick to take advantage and already are gleaning commercial secrets from offices worldwide. If you think you may be infected with the ICU virus you can temporarily protect yourself by sticking a postit note in the top left corner of your screen { a 1cm by 1cm piece will be fine, don't use glues as these could damage the Glass in your screen}  Secondly tape a piece of cardboard over the speaker grill on the front of your PC case. Your virus software should include a fix for ICU at the next update. In the meantime to make sure you don't get ICU you can stop your email programme from receiving it by sending yourself an email with the message           " block ICU ref  itforfell"

Geologist says North Pole may flip to South  A geologist says there are signs the North Pole is about to flip to the South Pole. He claims changes in the way molten iron is flowing in the Earth's core could trigger a switch. So now everything of any consequence will be North of Watford Gap. Scotland will become Southern Britain but best of all Northern Ireland will become Southern Ireland and visa versa and Ian Paisley wont know his arse from his elbow

So ITV digital is in administration. The company has been in trouble for some time but the seriousness of the situation came as no surprise to the workers in the mail room even the pirates had been sending their smart cards back

The Americans have developed a robotic journalist. the device based on NASA's Mars explorer will be able to travel in hostile areas. Interviews can be done by satellite link. A spokesman for a large news paper said "We're very interested in the project, we can send this thing in to the really hot spots and not have to worry about it being taken prisoner or getting injured but better still as its a robot it'll be able to calculate it's expenses accurately" 

In the wake of last nights humiliating 5-0 defeat at the hands France, the Scottish Football league has appointed a new talent scout to the backroom staff. He doesn't know much about football a spokes man admitted but he does know a potential Scotland player when he sees one, he's a genealogist you see.

What I want to know is if Mel Gibson can play William Wallace why cant Henrik Larson Play Jackie McNamara.

Children think David Beckham's job is the most stressful in the world, according to a new poll.One in four youngsters believe England's captain has more to worry about than George Bush. And in a way there right. For instance the fact that his wife might have one of her CD's on when he gets home is not something George has to worry about

Liverpool are top of the league again but Man U fans needn't worry the season wont end till Man U win.

Talk of a war with Iraq has put The Bush Blair special relationship in focus again. Tony views the relationship as that of equals working together and as for George well he views it more like the relationship Keith Harris has with Orville.

Bill Clinton will play his saxophone to encourage people to vote.  The former US president will reprise his act to raise funds for the Democratic Party and encourage its voters to register. Mr Clinton will play star alongside Michael Jackson and Tony Bennett at next month's event at Harlem's Apollo Theatre, New York. Mr Clinton is regarded as an accomplished but modest  musician. When questioned about his performance he replied I think its generally well known I don't like to blow my own trumpet.

Police in Russia say they've arrested a drug addict for possession of an anti aircraft missile. If he tried to light that he'd get the high of a life time.

Prison officials have prevented Jeffrey Archer from forming a prison Rugby team on the grounds that the other prisoners might hurt him. And that's a bad thing is it?

The Sexual World Records website says a man is preparing to have sex with 20 women in one day. Apparently he is attempting to beak the world record of 14. he is asking women for help with the attempt due to be held in July. You can just imagine it down the night club, worth a go don't you think ----you don't know me but I'm going for a world record ----- slap!

The Larsen B shelf on the Antarctic Peninsula has broken away in just a few months into small icebergs. President Bush was informed by his aides the conversation then went as follows

Bush- so what.

Aide - Well if they drift in to warmer water the bergs could melt causing a rise in sea level.

Bush- Why do you guys bring me this shit , I mean what do we care if the sea level rises in Antarctica. 

Robbie Williams has become a priest in 48 hours. Bit of a demotion then from walking on water and all.

Southampton have pipped Manchester United to the top of the league - for the quality of their fans' singing. Research published on Monday reveals the south coast club has the most tuneful supporters. Well if they will let Posh in the stand what do they expect

In her book - Statecraft - Lady Thatcher describes the EU as "perhaps the greatest folly of the modern era". Mmm I think the poll tax could give it a run for it's money.

REM guitarist Peter Buck turned into a "drunken lout" and assaulted British Airways cabin staff during an alleged air rage incident, a court has heard.
The 45-year-old allegedly ignored every effort to calm him down and was warned the transatlantic flight would be grounded so he could be removed and prosecuted. But far from heeding the warning, Mr Buck tore up the official warning notice given to him and swore at Captain Tom Payne, prosecution counsel at Isleworth Crown Court, west London, told the jury. Mr Buck denies one charge of being drunk on an aircraft, two counts of common assault against air stewards and one charge of damaging British Airways crockery. The prosecution alleged Mr Buck had drunk about 15 glasses of wine during the flight and tried to get hold of more.
It is said Mr Buck was so drunk he tried to insert a CD into a hostess trolley believing it to be a CD player. Of course it's not the first time something like that has happened a recent encounter with the hover was the inspiration behind one of his most recent lyrics. I ask you how else would you come up with a line like I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs. 

A new portable flat PC screen called Mira is being developed. The manufacturers say you will be able to work remotely from your PC in any room of the house even the smallest room . So you'll be able to download while your downloading so to speak

 Eureka - the solution to the Afghan asylum seekers problem. Stage one- Leave a train parked by the entrance to the channel tunnel. When full embark for UK. Stage two - at Dover welcome to Britain ceremony swear in as UK citizens. Stage Three onward transport to new jobs and trade training in the Army at Aldershot. Stage Four after twelve weeks basic training depart for first posting. Stage Five arrive in Afghanistan for peace keeping duties.

 On this day [ March 15th ] The Internet chartroom was born. It had been said that if you put two thousand monkeys on keyboards they would eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare. The juries still out on that one but Millions of Humans typing away for thirty years, must have made a massive contribution to the language. This is very true we now have- brb , btw , a/s/l and of course lol which rather sums it all up.

On this day [Mar 15] in 1957 Britain became the Third Nation to explode a nuclear bomb. Reminds me of the story of ex defence minister Michael Heseltine wandering around the ministry. He stopped at the desk of a wizened official . "I was a millionaire before I was Thirty, what have you done with your life?" he is reported to have asked. The official paused before replying " Ordered a Nuclear explosion actually"

Reports say a former spin doctor for Australia's Northern Territory Government had sex in the parliamentary chamber.The former Labour adviser allegedly took his female partner into the chamber in Darwin to have sex on the speaker's chair.Makes a change usually what politicians get up to in parliament screws the rest of us

President Bush is criticising Mugabe's election win in Zimbabwe. He says that the ballot has been rigged , votes haven't been counted, people have been prevented from registering to vote. These people should take a lesson in democracy from us he added. A spokesman for Mugabe said we did Florida was an inspiration.
 

Yes it's that time of the year again. In America they have the Groundhog to predict the coming of spring. In Scotland we have an amphibian version it's Nessie of course, and she predicts the coming of the tourist season

A Wisconsin teacher wants the Guinness Book of Records banned from her school because it features women in bikinis. She says the record book has pictures of women wearing the world's most valuable bikini and most expensive bra.
 

Don't let her get her hands on a Kays Catalogue shell have a coronary.
 

The countdown to the 2002 Commonwealth Games began outside Buckingham Palace, London on Monday with the launch of the Queen's Baton Relay.
The relay, the equivalent of the Olympic Torch Relay, marks the launch of the biggest-ever Commonwealth Games.It is expected to travel 58,000 miles across the globe, visiting 23 countries including those in the Caribbean, Africa and Australia. Before returning to Manchester in time for the opening on the 25th July.

Good to see the Royal mail second class service is improving.

On this day [ March 13] in 1925. Tennessee made it unlawful to teach evolution I can see the point why promote what you don't have.

Did you se that Keith Harris is claiming that people who criticise his act have screwed him up. No Keith it's having your hand up a green pre adolescent duck that's screwed you up. Keith is claiming the reason that he and Orville can't get on telly is because the schedules are full of chefs. Well you know the answer mate Duck alagreen springs to mind.

 Eddie the Eagle's amateur ski-jumping performances at the 1988 Winter Olympics have earned him a place in Hollywood.  A Los Angeles production company  has bought the exclusive film and television rights to his story.
Possible titles The Eagle has splatted , One flew in to the cuckoos nest  ---- Do you remember Eddie ? the best advert for Gravity since the apple.
 

The Lib Dems have voted to legalise Cannabis at conference .

 The new party slogan has also been reviled " It's high time you voted Lib Dem"

An American criminal punished by being barred from watching television is waiting to see if his sentence will be overturned.The 60 year old was given the ban when a judge put him under "home detention" for 10 months.

A spokesman for the UK goverment said there were no plans to introduce a TV ban here, "in fact" he went on to say , "we have introduced a TV punishment Programme or the Richard and Judy show as we like to call it".

Plans to make linesmen professional like their fulltime referee colleagues have hit a snag. Officials have realised that there wouldn't be enough money in the budget to pay the overtime for Man U matches.

Budweiser has launched a World Cup promotion using global positioning satellite technology.

It has hidden special transmitters inside beer cans and bottles sold in multi-packs in stores across the UK.

Opening a special can or bottle will be picked up by communications satellites. Winners will be tracked down and receive a trip to see England and Ireland in the World Cup finals.

I've already got a tracking device that goes off when I open a can , its called the wife.

Top dogs from all over the world are gathering at the National Exhibition Centre for the start of Crufts.
Or the catering trade show as its known in Korea.
 

On this day in 1876 [March 7th]Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. His assistant Watson in another room heard the first ever words transmitted by telephone "Watson come here I want you" followed shortly by " Congratulations we're looking for show houses in your area"
 

David Beckham is reportedly in talks to promote Golden Wonder's new Goalden Balls crisps.The deal would see him go head-to-head against his wife Victoria, who is promoting rival brand Walkers. Victoria has just finished shooting a TV commercial for the new crisps called Sensations.
A message for you mate there's one sensation you'll be missing cause walkers wont let Posh touch Golden Balls with a barge pole.

Now that the Duke and Duchess of Wessex are going to devote more time for Royal duties. It has been reviled that the Dukes former Production company Ardent are to make a travel series featuring the pair. Every week viewers will be able to vote on places for the couple to visit. It's going to be called wish you were there

TV executives are very excited about Victoria Beckham's proposed TV chat show. A spokesperson said that it would be great to have a talented singer on the peak time show. I'm sure Britney will be excellent as the first guest he added.

Did you read about that Dutch guy who was watching his favourite team on TV when suddenly the screen went blank. When he went out to investigate there was a masked bloke on the roof nicking his dish. The would be thief took of but the victim is extremely upset because he missed a goal.

Obviously not a Leeds fan then.

The Government is coming under fire over Plans by the Department for Education and Skills to create a student-tracking system.

 What a waste of money that would be. We already know where students are 11.30am pop head out of covers to watch Bargain Hunt on telly. 13.30 lunch in bed  [any mouldy old crisp within reach] 2.45 attend some lectures. 3.30 research on the net Jordan/ Englasias as appropriate. 5.30 aperitif [which ever cider is cheapest in supermarket that week] 6.00 evening meal [ remainder of last nights curry] 7.00 cocktails at the student union [whichever alcopop is on offer that evening] 11.30 pick up carry out curry for super. -and so to bed anyone's will do.  

A suspect who failed to turn up in court sent a postcard from Benidorm saying she was having a cocktail called 'Sex on the beach' instead. The Judge issued a warrant for her arrest so now she's really screwed!

A fat-busting drug that can convince the body that it is exercising when it is not, is being developed by scientists.
The so-called "couch potato" drug is being seen as a weapon against increasing levels of obesity.
Celtics John Hartson  was hoping to be in the trial, but a spokesman for the company said it's good but not that good..
 

Skoda may be set to enter Formula One it has been revealed. The car will have an unique feature. Hot air from the exhaust system will be diverted over the rear body work. Will this make the car go faster? Sadly no said a spokesman from the team but since the car is based on an old Prost we don't want the Marshals to get cold hands when they are pushing it

Two astronauts are working on the Hubble Space Telescope's at the moment. The following one leg of a conversation has been picked up by Radio Hams.

 "Huston you've got a problem, I mean who sold you this piece of shit.

I'm afraid it's a lot worse than it looked at first. Suspensions all shot up and as for the electrics.

Fine if that's what you want but I really don't think you should be using it till the work is done.

Well you cant get the parts for these babies off the shelf you know.

I know it sounds allot but if your credit checks out you could take advantage of our orbit card.

Is that so well  get another quote if you want but if we come back and some cowboys have been at it it'll only cost you more. 

An electronic version of the Doomsday Book compiled in 1986 is now unreadable. The computers needed to read the discs of the £2.5 million BBC Doomsday Project are now obsolete. While the original Doomsday Book compiled in 1086 is in fine condition in the Public Record Office, Kew. The information stored on the laser discs which is the equivalent of several sets of encyclopaedia's is now impossible to access, reports The Observer.

Experts are working night and day and hope to have the complete works of Jeffrey Archer on the system soon.

Pop Idol Will Young says he's been on a few benders recently. I know how you feel mate there's a song going around just now that would drive anyone to drink.

Foot and Mouth disease has spread to Australia.

We really should try to keep the Duke of Edinburgh at home.

What's the deal there if they take the duke we have to have Russell Crowe?

Prostitutes may be joining the GMB union.

What do prostitutes do if they want to strike Have a lie in? . Don't the ones who supply domination services work to rule anyway?

Formula one was back at the weekend It's good to see Nicky Lauda back behind the wheel again even if its only in testing. A journalist Asked him if he was worried about the risk of driving at speed again after such a long time in retirement. Lauda replied of course he was that's why he was driving a Jaguar.

 Toyota are joining Formula 1this year, to mark the occasion they are introducing a new advertising slogan. " The car behind you is a Toyota"

There's a new virus on the go it gets in to all your favourite programmes. Programmers have named it the Nicky Campbel

Sue MacGregor has done her last Today Show. Sue's apparently made a few conquests in her time, but I think we can rest assured that Transport secretary Stephen Byers is not on the list - he's been to busy screwing the transport department.

The department of Transport have found an excellent place to bury bad news.

It's the Richard and Judy show.

Did you read about that couple of Naval officers who were caught in a state of undress in a Lynx helicopter.

I don't see what all the fuss is about she was only checking out his chopper.

It's seven years this week since Rogue Futures trader Nick Leason caused the collapse of Barings bank by losing over £600 million. Mind you these days that's just a lunch for five at Gordon Ramsey's
 

BBC presenter Jeremy Bowen is to be filmed on a pub crawl for a programme studying the effects of alcohol on the brain. What a waste of licence payers money C4 have already made a similar prog its called Big Brother

David Coulthard is convinced having sex before a race makes him drive faster.

That's what he tells the Maclaren PR girl at any rate

Caution Fanny Cradock the original TV chef was born today in[26 feb]1909. Reminds me of that great line her partner Johnny uttered on screen. I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's .

In an effort to cut speeding in the Netherlands [could be here next] roadside signs are being introduced  that flash the warning"Your Going to fast" If you exceed the speed limit. But how can it know. I mean it doesn't know how far you have to go or when you have to be there.
Contributed by a Dutch reader
 

On this day in 1989 [25 feb] Frank Bruno lost his Title fight with Mike Tyson. Frank was Knocked out in the Fifth round.
His career then took him in to television and pantomime. And Tyson? well he's still chewing things over.

Stuart Woody Wood of Bay City Rollers fame is 45 today. [25 Feb]

It's rumoured that the BBC is making a programme investigating the mystery of the Rollers missing millions.

Mystery of the missing millions- The mystery of how they made it in the first place would be more like it.

The Beckhams are expecting again. What will the new baby be called.

Bookies are taking bets on Manchester, Madrid and Mercedes.

The £15 million contents of Enron's European headquarters will go under the hammer next week.
Items for sale include 4,000 flat screen monitors; 3,000 personal computers; more than 500 servers; and 50 plasma screens.
[A word of advice don't touch the shredders they'll be well shot]
 

on this day [ 25 feb] in 1988 US televangelist Jimmy Swaggart was suspended after it became known that he had visited a prostitute

for three years.
[you've got to hand it to him when it comes to saving fallen women he's nothing if not persistent]
 

[Caution with this one].on this day [25 Feb] in 1932 Adolf Hitler was granted German Citizenship.

Unfortunately he was so taken with the idea, he thought everyone should have it. 

Prime Minister Tony Blair has signalled his government is ready to raise taxes in April's Budget to pay for a better healthcare service. -He's going to buy the German one

Award-winning artist Chris Ofili is donating a painting to the Zoological Society of London to help elephants which have provided dung for his paintings.The new work, Triple Couple, will be auctioned this week at New York's contemporary art fair The Armory.

[Still think modern art isn't a load of old crap]

22 feb

Births

1838 Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen discoverer of hydrogen in Sun
[I never get much past page 3 myself]

1968 Jeri Ryan actress (7 of 9-Star Trek Voyager)
[7 of 9 I'd give her nine any day]

Events

1819 Spain ceded Florida to the USA.
[Who promtly ceded it to Disney]

1989 UK physicist Stephen Hawking calls Star Wars programme a "deliberate fraud"
[it's only a story Stephen]

Triva :It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma ,[Pretty easy to enforce that one, mind you with global warming and rising sea levals might be an idea to keep it on the statute books]

On this day in 1995 [21 Feb]
RAF-pilot Jo Salter is 1st woman to fly in a tornado
[The flight was twenty minutes late in taking off as she couldn't find the keys in her hand bag]
 

Scientists have developed a gel that women can apply to their breasts to increase their size. The only drawback is that it only lasts for five hours.

[Nature of course has it's own system and it lasts far longer it's called a baby]

An insurance company is testing a black box system which can report back how fast you drive, which roads you use, what time of Day you drive and weather you have any crashes. From this they will be able to calculate your premiums.

[A message for David Coulthard I wouldn't bother mate they wont be able to get an envelope big enough for the quote]

Former Pop Idol contestant Rick Waller is entering a on line  win your weight in wine competition.

[That takes care of the EEC wine mountain then]   [ that'll clear the shelves at oddbins then]

On this day [Feb 22]

1797 Trinidad, West Indies surrenders to the British

[England haven't beaten them since]

1804 British engineer Richard Trevithick demonstrated the first steam engine to run on rails.
 

Rail track say it should arrive soon]

1972 Richard Nixon becomes 1st US President to visit China

[So he says anyway]

1974 Yugoslavia adopts a constitution

[Pity it left when it came of age]

1995 RAF-pilot Jo Salter is 1st woman to fly in a tornado

[The flight was twenty minutes late in taking off as she couldn't find the keys in her hand bag]

Germany's Olympic Silver medallist skier Ronny Ackermann says the secret of his success is to avoid sex for over a year. So Eastenders newly wed Jim Branan  will be well in the running for the Gold next time then

Police in Florida caught a suspect during a chase after a cigarette end set his trousers on fire.
He put the cigarette in his pocket so he could urinate against a fence, but was spotted by officers in Tallahassee.He pulled up his trousers and ran off but his trousers caught fire and fell around his ankles, tripping him up.
 

["Well they did say hot pants were making a come back"] [" No doubt his favourite track is ring of fire"]

On this day in 1985 Contraception was legalised in the Irish Republic.

["Obviously a French letter day then"] ["Up to then it had been a bitter pill to swallow"]

On this day In 1985 Margaret Thatcher announced her support for the star wars programme. she's coming out for Harry potter tomorrow.

Reminds me of that great poster based on gone with the wind. The one with Maggie and Ronald holding hands with a nuclear mushroom cloud in the background. The caption read --- She promised to be love him till the end of the world and he promised to arrange it.

A Melbourne radio station is offering to pay listeners who agree to cheat on their partners with a stranger.
Triple M is offering couples a similar choice to the one Demi Moore faced in the film Indecent Proposal.
Couples are asked to say how much they'd do it for. The lowest bid is for just under £11,000

Must phone the wife " Darling you know that sports car I've been wanting"

A California university has suspended a course on male sexuality over sex club and class orgy allegations.
Students are alleged to have watched their tutors have sex at a strip club and take part in a class-related orgy.
Officials at the University of California at Berkeley have suspended the class, which is part of the its "democratic education" course.
 

[" Sounds like Amy Gehrings teacher training course "] ["God If that's Arts and Humanities I wonder what the Phys Ed programmes like"]

On this day in 1878 Eddison was granted a patent for the Phonograph, it was just the moment that Cliff Richard had been waiting for

Florida police say that they are charging a Seven year old boy whose father let him drive for a treat. They are also charging the father after the boy crashed in to another vehicle. The father said he just had a few beers and wasn't irresponsible. Mind you he added "I was pretty canned myself"

A man has been shot and killed after sarcastically applauding a Philippines Karaoke singers off- key rendition of Sinatra's My way. Apparently it's becoming a problem and some bars have banned that song. Lets hope they don't have a version of Pop Stars cause there'll be a massacre in the early rounds.

Having your car parking space nicked is the number one cause of road rage according to a new survey. Reminds me of the true story of the Roll's Royce driver who was inching towards his intended space, when suddenly a Mini nipped in to the space in front of him. You've got to be **** quick to do that the Mini driver shouted as he got out. The Rolls driver backed up, then shot forward crashing in to the Mini and totalling it. He calmly wound his window down and shouted you've got be **** rich to do that.

You Know your starting to get on a bit when you realise that your older than Joan Collins latest husband

Joan Collins is walking down the aisle for the Fifth time. The wedding is to have a Scottish theme in as the groom is of Scottish descent.

The Piper will presumably be  playing " will ye no come back again" As she walks down the aisle.

{one for the phones what tune should  accompany Joan as she walks down the aisle}.

The Scottish Executive is thinking of making brewers put vitamins in beer in an effort to improve health. They are also thinking of introducing health warnings on the labels.

"Like drinking this can cause intoxication " - {YES!} { You don't say} { If it doesn't I want my money back} 

Police in The Midlands have developed a new computer system which can predict where and when a criminal will strike.

"It's no good giving it to a policeman he'll only crash it"

The Government is thinking of privatising peace keeping forces. As long as they don't give it to Group four , Couldn't keep a bunch of asylum seekers never mind the peace.

A new firms of ex SAS soldiers are  biding for the work. It's called "killers are us"

Bill Gates has instructed all his staff to drop everything and work on fixing the security bugs in windows. And they will just as soon as they get his email.

 The  Lonely Planet guide to Scotland has just come out. Edinburgh is described as having wonderful architecture and culture which is being spoilt by the abundance of drugs and prostitutes. Must have caught it on a good day then.

Glasgow fairs little better as the locals are described as having a unique blend of friendliness, urban chaos and energy. Which translates to the muggers can run like hell but will be your best mate. as they nick your mobile .

John O'groats is described as a large car park and tourist trap. It's just the end of Scotland what were they expecting the hanging gardens of baboon perhaps.

New legislation brought in by EEC bureaucrats has led to the creation of a mountain of old fridges. Ah well at least it’ll stop the butter mountain from going off.  

Lee Majors is set to star in a new British Airways corporate security video. It’s to be called the six million dollar van.

Drug smugglers are starting to import cocaine in bananas. Good in theory but just try getting one of those up your nose. 

 Tony Blair has arrived back from his African trip. He denied that the trip had been a waste of time saying “I’ve picked up some great ideas for the health service and transport system”

A message to whoever stole those 26,000 mobile phones. At Four years a pop you guys are in for a bit more than a Four to Ten stretch.

Both Prince Charles and his Youngest son prince Harry have been promoting a drop of the black stuff. In Charles case it was some Guinness on a recent trip to Belfast. In Harry's case the black stuff was Moroccan on a trip to who knows where.

Did you read about Geri Halliwell in the paper. This is true apparently. She takes her pet Shih-tzu to meetings with record executives. And a chair is provided for the dog and the Shih-tzu gets one as well. 

Judging by the photo of Patsy Kensit in the papers today, Ally McCoist already knows what happened next. The only question for Ally now is it Home or away.

So the new Hearsay member is Johnny Shentall. The groups management said that Johnny queued up like every one else. "He's a great singer and dancer , he's already been in one band and of course he's had a small part in  steps.

Looks like Fergie's staying at Man U. Beckham as you'd expect was one of the first to be told. He found an Italian phrase book in his locker.

Still on the subject of Man U striker Dwight Yorke escaped a driving ban on a technicality when he was up on a  speeding charge yesterday  The technicality presumably being he's rich and famous.

 Practical Biology sure has changed since I was at school. [been on site for a week still topical]

It looks like supermarkets are going to be allowed to sell new cars. Tescos said yesterday that they were keen on the idea. Think of the amount of Club Points you could get on that.

The government has announced plans for part time prisons. Non violent prisoners would be free during the day to carry on their jobs. That's all very well till you realise that for many, burglars for instance it was their jobs that  landed them in prison in the first place.

Jordan is planning to have her baby live on the net. Web experts predict Record numbers will log in on the day one said yesterday that he doubted that there could ever be a bigger net event. Oh yeah I think the conception might give it a run for it's money.

Lord Wakeham is facing financial ruin after being named in lawsuits over the Enron affair. The former Cabinet ministers sat on the oversight committee of the Enron board. 50 billion dollars that's some oversight.

Some prospective new Hearsay hopefuls were rejected before they had even sung a note at the auditions yesterday. Organiser's were rejecting wanabies  at the door if they weren't good looking enough. This led to an embarrassing moment when all of the four remaining band members were sent home as they tried to enter the building.

Over  £100,000 worth of mobile phones and computer equipment has gone missing from No 10. speaking from Blair force one yesterday the pm said "It's no good asking me I'm never in the place"

It would seem that the Scottish Executive to have had problems with a consultancy firm. The executive hired a firm to conduct a feasibility study on Scotland's ability to host Euro 2008. They reported back that it wasn't going to be feasible mainly because they'd spent most of the money on the feasibility study.

What do Darius, Will and Gareth have that Jim Davidson doesn't- About Ten Million viewers.

Just as the supermarkets look like set for another price war, A document on supermarket promotions has coincidently  been leaked to the press. Now we can all find out the meaning of those promotions. For instance "When it's gone it's gone [ The warehouse is full of the stuff]. Managers Special [ Someone's over ordered again]. Weekend deal [ If we don't get shot of this crap by Monday we can kiss good bye to our bonus] Buy one get one free [ Even the shop lifters won't touch it]

Looks like the Millennium bridge is going to be open to the public again soon. Safety experts  carried out extensive tests last night as 2000 engineers and architects made the crossing. A spokes woman for the consultants who carried out the modifications said they had been confident that every thing would be fine. Asked how they could be so sure She replied we sent 2500 lawyers over first.

Carol Vorderman's thinking about bringing out a calendar next year it's bad enough having her on the telly every day without having her on the wall as well.

Two Hander- Person 1 - Did you see that report about Airbuses flying around with second hand parts.

                       Person 2- I'm not that worried I use second hand parts in the car all the time.

                       Person1 - Yeah but they don't come from a clapped out Zannusi.

Apparently  almost 50 percent of Britons are now on line. So that's why I can never get a connection.

Tony Blair says he deserves to be sacked if the NHS isn't sorted by the next General Election. Better get your bags packed then tone cause by then we'll all be sick of you.

Following  Liverpool's Jamie Carragher's sending off for throwing a coin back in to the crowd. It has emerged that a Nott's Forest player has been disciplined by his club for the same offence. A spokesman for the Cash strapped club said we just can't go throwing good money away like that.

Insert team of regional choice.

Amid speculation on his future John Prescott's announced he is working on his memoirs. The book is expected to finished before the next election and will be titled. "My left Hook"

The BBC said last night that it was standing by presenter Jamie Theakston despite allegations about his private life. "however he added if Jamie wants to leave I'm sure we'll organise a whip round.

Did you read about that woman teacher in the paper. Practical Biology sure has changed since I was at school.

 I see Jeffery Archers been winging about the drug culture of his fellow prisoners. What does he expect If I was locked up with a lying, conniving, scheming git like Jeffrey I'd take a few mind altering substances to.

A Spokesman for Mike Tyson said last night that Mike was still committed to the fight with Lenox Lewis. He said "Mikes been keeping himself in good shape, it's just a case of fine tuning now. After all he's already done most of the leg work".

Pupils sitting an exam recently were dismayed to find an un answerable maths question this was especially upsetting  as they were sitting Home Economics at the time.

New rules could see solicitors operating in supermarkets. So you could start pick a fight with your partner in produce and be divorced by frozen food. Could be handy if you get caught shoplifting. Bing bong "Could a legal assistant go to the managers office"

Bosses of ITV's This Morning were horrified when former Model Caprice used the four letter C word on the show recently. A spokesman for the show said give us a chance at least it's  better since we got rid of Twiggy and the moody Nolan.

Prince Harry has been stopped from going on a club 18-30 holiday. A spokesman for the company said they were disappointed that the prince wouldn't be joining them this summer but added that they had their reputation to think of. 

The Israelis have blown up a radio station in Palestine . Hey guys if you didn't like the music you only had to say.

I was thinking the other day about the jobs people do and the perks they get. For instance if you work in a shop you get staff discount on the good the shop sells, if you work for an Airline you get cheap flights and so on. But what about the jobs where there is no such perks. for instance if your a TV or Radio weather forecaster how does it work. If it's raining do you get 10% less or what.

Congratulations to Charles Kennedy and his Fiancé Sarah Gurling. Ms Gurling said that they both intended to continue with their carers  herself with Camelot and Charles's with his  TV work. Charles said we're planning to have the wedding in the summer if that's okay with you guys. 

Did you see the size of Britney's minder Big Rob in the paper today?  Darius  you may have disguised yourself  but if I were you I'd lie low for a bit, cause this guy will only need to hit you once.

Customs are currently reviewing their guidance for goods brought back from the continent . Examples of amounts you can bring back are up to 800 cigarettes , 10 litres of spirits, 90 litres of wine and one hip opp as long as its for you own personal use.

Carol Vorderman's new TV programme Britain's brainiest is not doing as well as expected, but at least it's found what it was looking for. Britain's brainiest are the 7 million who switched off when the programme came on last week.

How do you Know Britney's in the country. Cadburys put on a night shift. 

A major drugs scandal is about break in the world of Darts. Its reported that following the recent Embassy world championship several as yet unnamed players failed a random drugs test. Apparently they didn't have any alcohol in their system at all. 

Read By Male presenter.- Overheard an interesting conversation between two girls talking about Britney Spears  in the office this morning. "No way is that Britney a virgin" said the first girl looking at the papers. What makes you think that"? asked her mate. Well it says here that Britney thinks that chocolate is better than sex". Your right said her mate she definitely isn't a virgin.  Now what was that all about.

 It looks like Scotland are set to follow England's example and appoint a foreign coach. Former German boss Berti Vogts is favourite to land the post. He is quoted as saying yesterday "That he was confident that he could get his team all the way to the major finals in future" A spokesman for the SFA said they were sure they had the right man for the job he also added that he didn't think Vogts new part time job as German team bus driver would get in the way of his Scotland duties.

Did you hear that story about the police Snifffer dog which was taken to a school for a drugs lecture. As the dog and it's handler were leaving the dog sniffed out some drugs, which were hidden in a locker. Sadly the dog is off work at the moment suffering from exhaustion after the same lecture was repeated at Eaton.

The Queen may have to get rid of the Royal train as it's to expensive to use. If She thinks that's expensive she  should try buying a walk on ticket from [Change as appropriate] Glasgow to London and see how she gets on.

It's good to see Nicky Lauda back behind the wheel again even if its only in testing. A journalist Asked him if he was worried about the risk of driving at speed again after such a long time in retirement. Lauda replied of course he was that's why he was driving a Jaguar.

Did you see that survey in the paper. Apparently kylie Minogue is the woman that most men would like to have soup with. Bit of a misprint there I think.

To clear up any misunderstanding The FA has just issued a new formula to calculate how long a football mach should last. Its  normal time  + Injury time and on until  Variable  M is greater than Y  where Y =  any team and M = Man Utd .[ In Scotland substitute with Celtic]

Up to 70 billion is going to be invested over the next ten years to give rail travellers a service fit for the 21st centaury. All season ticket holders are to be given a car.

I see Adam Ants up on an assault charge . Well he's only got himself to blame. I  mean  if he will go singing in public. what does he expect.

Customs are intercepting a better class of dope these days . Moroccan Black now comes with the Royal warrant.

Impersonation- Tony Blair, I have to tell you I have every confidence in Steven Byers. I'm sure that he is extremely good at whatever it is he does. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to the peace negotiations. If this Klingon and Romulun thing kicks off the universal alliance could be in big trouble.

It just shows you how bad our Railway system is , even the asylum seekers prefer to walk.

  Its good to see that Toyota are joining Formula 1this year, to mark the occasion they are introducing a new advertising slogan. " The car behind you is a Toyota"

Some people are so famous that they only need one name and are in the dictionary for instance doing a Delia. New additions are being included all the time. -

So to prattle on and on when you should have shut up when you were ahead is now known as doing a Darius.

To have a Blair is to own a Million air miles.

To have a romantic encounter with ones cellmate is doing a Jeffrey.

How do you piss off -     A Tory Right winger - Give them their change in Euros.

                                        Tony Blair - Hide his passport.

                                        The Queen - You can't her kids have already done it.